41 days

Mila’s first birthday is in just 41 days. I’m starting to plan the little details like centerpieces for the small brunch we’re having with immediate family. She doesn’t warm up to unfamiliar people easily and it’s her special day, so the guest list is just those she is closest to. But somewhere between looking at white chairs on Ikea.com and searching baby’s breath in mason jars on Pinterest, it hit me that my time as the mother of an infant is rapidly running out. I have this vision of an hour glass with just millimeters of sand left, with all this empty space above it where the minutes spent swaddling and having tummy time were once represented. Those moments have passed through to the other end, where they are now just memories.  I want to tip the hour glass on its side and suspend time forever. I have no doubt in my mind I am in the best days of my life. These are them.
I have allowed being the mother of an infant consume me. It’s the majority of my identity. My friends are other parents. My online interactions center around babywearing and breast feeding. I haven’t spent more than 8 hours total away from Mila. And never for more than 1 hour at a time. I’m often told it’s important to not lose my sense of self. That it’s good for mom to get out and socialize with other adults. I took that advice to heart my first time around, and I will say those moments I had a baby sitter were awesome. But I blinked and there I was at Lucy’s 3rd birthday and I had no clue where the past 3 years had gone. And now she is 5 and starting kindergarten soon (ahhh!! help me!!)  So this time I shamelessly have allowed myself to be obsessive. I know that my days as the mother of an infant are very limited, so I let myself soak in every minute of it.
There wont be any major detachment after that first birthday, but I know it symbolizes the end of my infant-motherhood. And I’ll want to make room for more Jill and less Mila in my thoughts. Before I was a stay at home mom I was working at the Chanel counter. I’m considering going back to work part time, or maybe free lance. I miss selling.  I miss they way I talked at work “It’s heavily pigmented and opaque. You can pull of just one coat of color, but with two coats you’ll get full nail coverage…” I love the show of it all and the lighting in the cosmetics department. I miss pumping face cream into those tiny sample jars. I miss picking out a shirt not based on what is easiest to nurse in. We’ll see what the new year of my life will look like. And as sad as it is knowing these days are fleeting I’m excited for whats ahead.

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9 thoughts on “41 days

  1. Such a lovely post and I’m in a similar spot. My little one just turned one on the 25th and now she is slowly but surely entering toddlerhood. She is so petite that many people think she is still 8 months but I know she is 1. It really did go by so incredibly fast.

    I’m excited to hear what you decide to do in the future 🙂 ❤

  2. What a sweet post. And lovely photos. My son just turned one a bit ago and I hear ya on all of this. People would say, ” make sure you maintain your identity and have time for yourself” and I’d smile politely but knew that the way I was doing things was the right way for me and my family. Like you said, so much of me now is a mother and I wouldn’t have it any other way right now. Babies are only babies once, for such a fleeting, precious time so hold them, babywear, rock them, spend time with them as babies because it will be gone before you know it!

    • Exactly 🙂 and even if a huge part of who I am is a mother, is that really such a bad thing. It doesn’t mean its all about my children. I focus on myself in this role. And it isn’t forever. Its such a short time in our lives.

  3. Jill, that is EXACTLY how I feel about Casper. Sometimes I feel guilty because I take more pictures of him or whatever, but my big girls are BIG. They don’t want me to take their pictures all the time. They want to do their own thing. I am so painfully aware of how quickly time passes. I can’t believe Bella is 7. I’m about to have TWO gone for school all day. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I don’t regret the way I raised my girls. I didn’t do it wrong…but I’m just a different person now than I was at 20. I am ok with losing myself to babywearing, breast feeding, cloth diapering or whatever. I am staying home with my boy and my last baby and soaking up every last bit and moment I can. Every sleepless night or sweet tiny moment is precious and I try to remind myself of that every day.

    • I had to let go of trying to do everything fair and equally. I had Lucy as a single mom who was 21. I had mila when I was 26 and married. The idea that I could give them identical childhoods is just unrealistic. But I do my best for both girls today, and I don’t regret how I was as a younger mom. I would have never met my husband if I wasn’t bar hoping on a Thursday night. Hahah. Really though so long as you are nice to them that’s all that really matters right!?

  4. I understand 100%.. I couldn’t go back to work full time. My “dream” was always to do autopsies and I got my career and found out I got pregnant the same day. I worked all through my pregnancy uncertain that I’d be a good mother because I was thinking I was too selfish. Well my baby just turned 6 months and I work on-call so I get s little bit of both. I feel like I didn’t “lose” myself, I have found myself. There’s nothing wrong with mothers like you- the world needs more of us. “Obsessed” moms are going to create the good people to balance out all the bad in the world.

    • That sounds like a great balance! I would love to work freelance where I just work events and fill in when needed but not regularly. Maybe eventually. But for now im enjoying being obsessed 🙂

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