Our last baby

I remember taking this photo. I remember the fuzz on her temples and shoulders. I remember huffing her head constantly, waiting for that baby smell to show up. Not once did she smell like “new baby” to me. Maybe because I smelled her constantly and it was like how you can’t smell your own perfume or something. I remember thinking she really looked like a newborn. I remember her eyes crossing and the kissy faces she’d make. And her getting the hiccups. I can still remember how I could sense a sleep-smile coming. I remember it all because I have hung on to every second of mila’s existence. Not to say I don’t put the same value on Lucy! It’s different. With Lucy it’s all new and exciting and the first time I’m experiencing it. With mila it’s the last time. I knew this was it for us. I’ve always joked that I was 5 or 8 or 10 children. But it’s unrealistic for us. We’ll barely be able to put one through college. And I know I’m done ever being pregnant. It took 12 months to get Lucy and 16 really hard, depressing months to get Mila. The struggle of negative pregnancy test one after another,while it seemed everyone around me was getting pregnant on accident, was completely crushing. And something I’ll probably write about later but it’s still hard to think about. But all these reasons we’ve agreed early on to stop at 2. But time is just flying by! She doesn’t feel itty bitty anymore! Mila climbs and crawls and grabs food off my plate. And coming to terms with the fact I’ll never have another newborn is so hard. I just lay in bed, like I am right now, and look at mila and her tiny hands and tiny ears, and realize how big my hand looks holding her cheek and I just want time to stop. I’m gonna probably spent the next two er three hours just watching my baby sleep. And take mental notes on everything. What her soft baby hair feels like. How she sleeps holding onto my shirt. The whistle her nose makes when she exhales. All of it.


14 thoughts on “Our last baby

  1. Such a beautiful post! Thank you for reminding me to enjoy everything that this pregnancy has to offer and to cherish each moment with the little one when he’s here.
    Looking forward to reading more πŸ™‚

  2. Right there with you sister. I enjoy every second I have because I know it’s my last (and only) baby. I went through the same sadness of not being pregnant while everyone else was. I have a feeling when our little ones get to be about 3 and are potty trained and and we can take them on all kinds of fun adventures, it won’t feel so bittersweet.

    • It’s true!! I keep waiting to be able to talk about all that without getting super choked up. Though I have a feeling I’m just always going to be the super emotional sentimental mom.

      • OMG. Your posts always make me cry. And I am at work! I think about all of this too and how my mom must feel with all her babies being 30 and over now!

  3. I love your blog! I was introduced to it through the sling diaries. I feel exactly the same way. My son is 5 months and is getting so fat. He’s not a spindly newborn with flaky skin anymore and I miss it so much. I have a daughter too and I dont think we can afford anymore kids either so he is my last baby too. Heartbreaking to think about 😦

    • It is so hard! I always say if I win the lottery (not that we even buy lotto tickets haha!) I’d use the money to have more kids. Until then though, it’s just more responsible staying with 2. It’s so hard though. I see newborns and get baby fever again!

  4. This just brought tears to my eyes! The good kind. πŸ™‚ When they tell you “it goes by so fast”, you don’t realize that it will seem like forever when you’re in the moment but six months seem to go by in a blink. When my #2 comes around, he/she will be our last, too. I can’t imagine how bittersweet it might be. I also feel like I’ll be cheating on my Ava, which won’t make things any easier! Do you ever feel like you’re cheating on Lucy?

    • All the time!!!! It’s so hard. Mine and Lucy’s relationship defiantly changed after mila. Lucy used to be my baby and now there’s more of a partnership. I think a lot of it is because in the early months Justin was working 60+ hours a weeks so it was just us girls. Lucy and I were working so hard together, tie my shoes, ok then get mommy’s water, can you open this?, ok can you hand me a diaper, hold this, grab that…we both were very reliant on each other. It’s forced Lucy to grow up a lot. It’s getting better though. I’m reminding myself constantly not to treat Lucy like a peer. She is my baby too. My 40lb, smart, capable, opinionated baby…haha!!!

  5. That must be such a peaceful feeling. Knowing you are done having kiddos. I”m totally on the fence… which means we’ll probably want more. I know if I get pregnant again I’ll be happy, but at the moment I’m totally content with 2. We’ll see what happens. I totally love that newborn perfume. I still dig my head in Sean’s neck smelling his new baby smell. It leaves him a little bit more everyday =(

  6. Oh my gosh! I needed to read this post! I am in the same boat right now with this pregnancy, sad cause it will be my last and really sad knowing ill never have a girl but I am trying hard to realize I am being blessed with 3boys and couldn’t be happier don’t get me wrong. Sad though knowing this will be my last pregnancy and last baby and no girls to dress up and take to all the girls things a mother and daughter do together! Thanks for sharing this and I hope I will cherish the moments with all my boys like you are cherishing yours with your girls!

    (Sorry if I rambled ha ha)

  7. awe… I got a little teary reading this. I gotta be honest. At first, I didn’t even want kids. Then we decided we want kids and got Mila (our Mila, lol) … I kinda want more and I think we NEED more, because there will be no other family around for Mila. We moved to Canada 6 years ago, from Germany. Germany is where all her cousins, uncles, aunts, grandma and grandpas are… no one else but us is here for her, that is real family. Therefore we kinda feel the need of needing to have more babies…at least one. And I know I want more… but labour and birth and postpartum was a horrible experience for me and so I’m stuck with the fear.

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