I remember taking this photo. I remember the fuzz on her temples and shoulders. I remember huffing her head constantly, waiting for that baby smell to show up. Not once did she smell like “new baby” to me. Maybe because I smelled her constantly and it was like how you can’t smell your own perfume or something. I remember thinking she really looked like a newborn. I remember her eyes crossing and the kissy faces she’d make. And her getting the hiccups. I can still remember how I could sense a sleep-smile coming. I remember it all because I have hung on to every second of mila’s existence. Not to say I don’t put the same value on Lucy! It’s different. With Lucy it’s all new and exciting and the first time I’m experiencing it. With mila it’s the last time. I knew this was it for us. I’ve always joked that I was 5 or 8 or 10 children. But it’s unrealistic for us. We’ll barely be able to put one through college. And I know I’m done ever being pregnant. It took 12 months to get Lucy and 16 really hard, depressing months to get Mila. The struggle of negative pregnancy test one after another,while it seemed everyone around me was getting pregnant on accident, was completely crushing. And something I’ll probably write about later but it’s still hard to think about. But all these reasons we’ve agreed early on to stop at 2. But time is just flying by! She doesn’t feel itty bitty anymore! Mila climbs and crawls and grabs food off my plate. And coming to terms with the fact I’ll never have another newborn is so hard. I just lay in bed, like I am right now, and look at mila and her tiny hands and tiny ears, and realize how big my hand looks holding her cheek and I just want time to stop. I’m gonna probably spent the next two er three hours just watching my baby sleep. And take mental notes on everything. What her soft baby hair feels like. How she sleeps holding onto my shirt. The whistle her nose makes when she exhales. All of it.