the single most surprising thing that happened the moment I became a mother was an overwhelming wave of fear. Not the “am I good enough” fear. But you get hit with this debilitating amount of love for your child and the idea that they will ever get hurt is crippling.
I used to think that a car accident would ‘suck’. Or I’d watch some major random act of violence and be like ‘wow. that’d suck’. THEN you have a child and you feel like someone is punched you in the gut, stabbed you in the chest and is crushing your head. Because no matter how hard you try, you immediately picture what it would be like if your sweet baby was there. Then the tears flow and all you want to do is grab your baby and hide under the covers.
How did no one warn me this? My children are the greatest thing to ever happen to me and since then every emotion has been amplified ten fold. I am 10 times happier. I laugh 10 times as often. I smile 10 times as often. I cry 10 times more (mainly at movies, weddings, birth photos…) But I am also 10 times as scared of everything!!! EVERYTHING. Planes, spiders, house fire, random dog attacking, maybe this bridge is going to collapse, what if that man who just came into this store has a gun, did they wash this fruit? it could have listeria, I bet Seattle is North Korea’s target, omg the piers! the ports! what kind of security do they have, I should get pepper spray for my purse, what was that noise? is someone breaking in?…..
^ seriously. that’s what the inside of my brain looks like ever since I fell in love with my daughters.