fluffy mom

I have been dieting most of my life. I went on the zone diet in middle school and went from 142lbs to 127lbs. What’s most scary about that statement is that I actually remember 15 years later the exact numbers i weighed. I then got up to 195lbs in high school. I started counting calories and lost 60lbs in 6 months after breaking up with my high school boyfriend. Then I went on the camels cigarettes and rockstar energy drink diet and went from 135-120. Then I went on the 14 grapes, 6 pretzels, 4 diet pills, 20 cigarettes and 3 cups of green tea a day diet and got down to just 98lbs. I started eating again and got up to a whole 108lbs!
I then got pregnant with Lucy. And from 12 weeks pregnant to 41 weeks I gained EXACTLY 100lbs. I was huge. And I didn’t exactly understand that when I gave birth all that wouldn’t just go away. I packed all my pre-pregnancy clothing because I was delusional. I left the hospital in the same pants I came in. XL yoga pants.
I had quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant and shortly after giving birth I started smoking again to help lose the weight. And it did help. A LOT. I also went vegan and went from 208lbs to 124lbs in about 7 months. I floated between 125-135 for a couple years.
I quit smoking again when I got pregnant with Mila. And shot up from 136 to 196 when I gave birth. But this time the weight just isn’t coming off the way I have always been able to lose it. I thought “what? I’ll just lose 10lbs a month and by the time she is 6 months old I’ll be back in the mid 130’s which is a healthy size for me.” As if the number of pounds I weight is a way of measuring health.
The times in my life I was the least healthy were the times people looked at me and thought I was. I can only imagine what damage a steady diet of redbulls and camel cigarettes have done to my insides. But I was at a healthy BMI . And now people look at me and probably assume I’m guzzling sodas and shoving potato chips into my mouth. When really I’ve been more aware of mys own health in the past year then I have ever been.
I don’t want to starve myself, or eliminate any major nutrients from my diet. I don’t want to take up smoking again just for vanity reasons (sorry girls, I’m dying of lung cancer so I could go from a size 10 to a size 6 is a phrase I’ll never say.). I don’t want to crash diet. I’m a nursing mom. I want to make the best breastmilk possible. And I want to be healthy for my girls. I want to live a long, enjoyable life with them.
But I am 150lbs still. Which is far too much fluff for me to be comfortable. I want to be able to just throw on jeans and a t-shirt and look good. I want to have the energy to play with my girls and chase after Mila. I dont want to remove tagged photos of myself because “oh god my arms look HUGE. that cant be right! my arms cant really be that big!”
I’ve always been a believer that you shouldn’t talk about the work you’re going to do, you should talk about the accomplishment. And I’m jumping the gun here. But I took about a 2 month break from counting calories or thinking about exercise. But now spring is here. I have a lot of fun exciting things coming up this summer and I want to be able to enjoy them.
So HERE I GO AGAIN! ugh……..dieting round #429.

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20 thoughts on “fluffy mom

  1. I recently weaned Ava at 9 months for this very reason. At first I felt so guilty, but now I see that it will be a good thing for both of us. I saw my doctor to talk about the fact that I had gained 23 pounds since leaving the hospital. I was 173 at 5’3″ 9 months after having her. My doc said that for some women the body overcompensates for what the baby takes by storing way more than you can burn. It’s been a week or so since her last gulp of booby juice and I’m down 7 pounds.

    I’m not saying wean Mila by any means! I had planned to breastfeed to at least a year. But there is hope. Good luck!! (You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to buy a pack of Parliament Lights since I had her!)

    • I think about it all the time just because I dropped like 14lbs in 2 weeks after Lucy stopped nursing. And I have 15lbs to go…and I miss energy drinks. But mila refuses to drink from a bottle so it’d be a nightmare!

  2. You are beautiful Jill, inside and out, and that is way more important than the numbers on a scale. I remember thinking, after weighing 170 for 2 years after Maddie, that if I only got down to 150 I’d be happy forever, no complaints. It’s not that easy of course, but 150 is a pretty good #, especially if what you are putting in your body is healthy!

    • Thank you Melissa!! I think just eating good whole foods will make a big difference, when I was a bit younger, calorie counting was enough. But now it’s like they have to be good quality calories, AND I need to excersise.

  3. You are speaking my language exactly. Funny thing is, pre Jonathan i was 98 lbs. Gained 90, and list it back down to 127. Managed to keep it that way, them had Sophia. I can’t seen to shake the 150 mark either. I did a diet least year and may have lost 10 lbs at most. Back to 150 now. I too have lots of river, beach, and pool time planned this summer. I to am on round who knows what of the diet. Ugh.

    • Haha!! That is so crazy!!! We must be weight soul mates er something. It’s so funny how I felt so big at 135lbs when I got pregnant and now I look back at those pics and think I was nuts!

  4. I’d say if my conversion is right, you weigh exactly the same as me. I would be happy if the scales went down but am not really willing to change much to get there. However I’m betting you don’t see the weight on other people the same size as us as such a big deal. I know I think you look great in all the shots I’ve seen, but I know what you mean about selecting and deselecting certain photos. I can remember that times I was a lot thinner I was not really that much more happy with my weight because I was abut fixated on whatever method it was that got me there.(gluten free for me) I’m thankfully distracted by so many other things in my life that are bigger than my appearance, and my kids think I’m beautiful. Who am I to tell them they’re wrong?πŸ˜‰

    • Aww! That is awesome! I took like 2 months off to just relax about food but now I’m really on a mission. I’ve always heard “if it takes nine months to put it on, it should take 9 months to take it off”…but mila is almost 8 months..I think my time blaming it on pregnancy is running up!!! Haha! But I’m not obsessed with being “skinny” I just want to be comfortable. πŸ™‚

  5. You are gorgeous, inside and out Jill. Look into Paleo and whole eating. No dieting required, you can maintain a milk supply and lose pounds effortlessly. I’d be happy to email you a book you may find interesting.

    • Thank you so much Ashley! How do you like it. I’m afraid of the carbo-crash. I’ve heard you can get flu like symptoms from cutting out sugar. Eek! But I like the idea of just eating whole unprocessed foods. It’d be so good for the girls too!

  6. In about one month I want to send u a wee gift, its just small but i think u’ll love it and hopefully it will help keep you motivated to reach your healthy weight goal 😊 email me an address sometime 😊

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