Mila is 7 months old today. Every day she shows us something new. But nothing too major. She gets up on all fours but doesn’t seem to be any closer to crawling. She sits up for a longer time. She has also hit that separation anxiety phase with a passion. And since I have no real reason to leave her side, I’ve just obliged her. Holding her for about 98% of the day. And about 100% of the night.
But I try and remind myself that she is only a baby for a year. And Mila will be our last child so I have only 5 months left of having a baby of my own. So I’m cherishing each day and making an effort to really be in the moment and try and remember exactly what it feels like to have her tiny head asleep on my chest. Or the overwhelming heart bursting feeling I get when she grabs both sides of my face and smashes her own face into mine. The way her gummy toothless mouth feels gnawing on my hand. Its all so exhausting and repetitive when you’re in the moment. Then one day you wake up and its gone and you’d give anything for one more day of side by side nursing in bed all day.
I fear that with my first daughter I treated the first year like a race. With all these imaginary finish lines. Once she’s 6 weeks old it’ll be easier. Once she’s 3 months it’ll be easier. Once she’s a year…Why was I so worried about it being easier?
I wish I could go back to first time mom Jill and say “Honey, it doesn’t get easier. This is motherhood. Its consuming. Its exhausting. It doesn’t matter if she’s at grandma’s house or sleeping through the night. You will never ever sleep like you did before you were a mother. But you will also never ever get back this day. She is going to be a baby for 1 year. And you’re missing it trying to do it right. And by trying to race to each milestone. No one cares if your baby rolls over at 4 weeks, or 6 weeks, or 8 weeks. No one is measuring your parenting skills by the number of months it takes for your baby to sit up. So stop going on baby center. And start taking mental pictures of the many things a camera cant capture.”
Going to do my best to take my own advice and anytime I feel like I cant stand another day of nursing and bouncing and diaper changing, I’m just going to remind myself that once she’s weaned I’ll never get to nurse again. And before I know it she isn’t going to want me to hold her for more than 5 seconds at a time. And one day she’ll be too big to sleep in our bed. So enjoy it now, while I can.